“I’ve finally had my Britney Spears (circa 2007) moment.”

Sort of, I guess.

“I had MY public meltdown running amok in Los Angeles.”

You’ve never been to L.A.
You’ve hardly left the house in two years.
And, you weren’t worried about THEM
Finding methamphetamine in your bangs.
You’ve never, directly, broke-down, either.

“I shaved my head.”

Well, it is really short.
One on a man’s beard trimmer.
Just a hair’s breath poking through the scalp.

“AND …
I’ve grown a beard, bro !”

[Both fists wave Satanic hand gestures in unison.]

Britney did NOT grow a beard, though.
Neither have you, yet.

“It’s only been a week, bro.”

[Winking, tongue-out emoticon in real life
As his hands wring in contemplation thru his … ]

Two, tops.

The friend said, gently
“You have to grow a beard
To have a beard.”

Touche, friend.
Tou- fucking – che.

[Culturally appropriated fist-pounds exchanged
Awkwardly, as both parties are exceptionally white.]

“It looks hella decent, brother.”

[Proudly puffed chest from belittling friend.]

“It’s getting there, as they’d say.”

Who the fuck is this goddamned THEY everyone talks about ?

[Smirk droops with chin-pubes from years of disingenuous compliments.]


But, TBH …
It looks like poorly transplanted hair from the anus
Sloppy glued-on ass hair taped across the jaw line
Waiting for the scrotum’s spring fuzz to poke through
To be used to patch over the blank spots; the future comb-overs.

“Not to sound uppity … ”

Right …

” … but, I’ve become a bit of a meditation master … “

Not at all uppity, sire, but TBH, you smoke
Weed and half-sleep cross-legged on a sofa
Zoned out to weirdo ambiance music on SoundClick.

“You know … ”

No, he doesn’t, so please tell the idiot.

” … spirituality … ”

… huh …

” … buddha … ”

the FUCK you doin’ …

” … like, eternal love for the universe and all it’s creatures … ”

What about bugs you eat for protein?

” .. and, I felt like, like, I couldn’t fully connect with the God-head.”

You want to what, now ?

[Laughs, rolls eyes, shrugs in aggreance with himself.]

“Yeah, like, I had an incomplete connection.”

Um, so, you only felt a tickle from his tip
As it poked and sifted thru your side-part?
You wanted, no you fucking NEEDED, to be …
Fully penetrated by the spirit of God?
That’s correct?

“So, I shaved my head.”


[Awkward laughter as you realize you’re talking to no one.
Just the reflective fucking mirror in a house you rarely leave.]


… fuck, no wonder …

“Shut up, you creep.”

bj draKe