john player standards King sized cigarettes n blacK coffee ; the cologne of his childhood from a dimly lit cafe; late 80 ‘ s , smear / d gray landscape , finger – paint / d blurry , remember not , for the mind is a mischievous tricKster .
gloom has haunt / d him since chattering of unemployed adolescents , retired veterans n stay – at – home moms occupy / d his malleable little innocent infantile subconsciousness w / disgruntled apathy , status quo complaints of worKing class servitude n a ritualistic lamenting of freedoms lost to old age n parenting .
raised by success dodging , high – school drop – out philosophers of common sense , spot / d wolves who escaped cages only to wander the perimeter w / hungry bellies , pavlov ‘ s dinner – bell , salivating , drool drip / d with raw swine n buspirone , rust / d n furry bed of stranger ‘ s diesel picKup trucK , furiously bellowing thicK smoKe of purple nausea , burlap sack ; farmer ‘ s almanac predict / d a potato drought this season , though .
role models wore burden of last names liKe a lead ball chain / d n padlocK / d ‘ round ricKety n rotting wood pews in church – for punishment – compartmentalized memories of sunday school nun w / slim lips snarling violently dull lectures of repentance , instruct / d n scared children to “ give up dreams of excess n stop worshiping false gods of consumption , for “ coveting is sinful , goddammit n you want a seat in heaven , don’t you ? ”
“ … meh . ”
elders from era when economic stability was an ivory tower , royal blood league of illuminati luxury that left them w / no survivalist choice but to feast upon promptly rotting flesh of thy neighbors , once their own pantries were starved dead w / decaying n inedible blood soaK / d shrapnel scraps of flung flesh from rot / d crossfires of another racist n defunct science debunK / d of its escalated prominence .
that was thousands of miles across the sea n years ago , before this little boy of bloodline sat silently in food courts concentrated on reading booKs , while other Kids color / d , absorbing background static, noise n the mumbling exchanges of recipes for fear , anxiety n suicidal depression that debilitated n stonewall / d them from even trying to achieve something more in life , besides scraping their sticKy pudged bellies on the bottom rocK slime where ancestors leech / d blood from stones for sustenance , since genesis .
inherited apathy , secondhand , but he had deep dimples to distract god ‘ s parental eyes from those snaKe – bites on his cheek from when he , against his mother ‘ s worries, confront / d the slithering guardian of ladders n was venomously attacK / d n pricK / d by the serpent ‘ s hellishly destructive n corrupting serum that bled into his bloodstream , activating his soul ’ s contamination , left two tiny pinhole scars as proof of his taint / d unholiness from impurity that would burn thru wet bandages .
with youthful innocence lost , the bubbling hormones of pre – teen urges advised pimply Kids beyond tingly gymnasium ropes n into darK n damp basement maKe – out parties where playing spin the bottle was the crystal ball ‘ s voodoo view into the hallways of junior high too see if , come september , the spinner ‘ s hand would sway pass / d the locKers with a sweaty n confused pubescent adaptation of love , or be left to lonely warm junK fill / d starter jacKet pockets , clammy ; he crunch / d cheese doritos on the couch n watch / d the Kids play , non-participant virgin .
his life was sparK / d into existence by the bruised finger of god n so he believed there must be a reason for his life , a destiny beyond that of a menial day laborer , whose bones would surely rattle into early arthritis from dutifully banging rusty n crooK / d nails through thicK pine planKs w / twist / d n crisscross / d grain , using a vintage n splinter / d hammer , earning meeKly fractions of a penny per day , while his artistic passions dull / d n slowly fad / d from his dreams , dreams now haunt / d by an old n dying , yet still booming , voice of a grandpa ‘ s drunK war buddy , moody old fart , eternally cranky , jaded w / xenophobic pride n generational letdown , every night , rhythmically taunt / d his dreams , repeat / d “ if you wish to herd the sheep , first you must graze the same fields n taste the same grass . ”
those words nightmarish to introverted students of wishful thinking .
the ancient wisdom of shy gentlemen advised the deficient introvert to “ intoxicate his woes n hesitations towards socializing n fitting – in by sipping mildly poisonous elixirs continuously , until reservations are blacKed – out n morals are debated into irrelevancy n then “ once this method is master / d thru the dangerously suicidal act of obsessive practice , you may therefore abstain from alcohol , socializing soberly , ” normal , hopeful , ” but , soon must cope with aftermath of messy n tragic metamorphosis from pupa into underdeveloped moth , born w / widely spaced e y e s , sadly grew only singular n shrunKen wing w / half smudged pattern of inconsistency , no one warned him of alcoholism ‘ s life – long curse of regret n hurtful flashbacks , fucK .
escape freedom .
he whispers , “ help . ”
shrug / d off by many – a-moody psychiatrists n doctors possessing alchemist – like notepads that heal all ailments in under two – minutes , for a nominal fee , of course – strangely leaving uncured their own illegible parKinsons – once patient says buzzword the alarm goes off , balloons drop , balloons fill / d w / the most expensive designer prescription pills that his medical plan affords , balloons fall , not float , quicKly from ceiling n don ‘ t bounce on floor , but pop open , balloons splattering pinK , blue n yellow pills of a “ second chance for people like you ” on the doctor ‘ s semen n fecal matter splatter / d marble floor tiles ; bling – bling .
“ don ‘ t worry , ” said the nurse “ suicidal ideation is a common side – effect , taKe a number n have a seat , sir .
you ’ re not bleeding that bad . ”
blend / d uppers w / downers , handfuls w / spoonfuls , sleeping pills w / caffeine beans , adderall snowflaKes dissolving on the tip of his tongue , a mixture modestly sprinKled over burnt toast for a nervous breakfast , sicK from worKing all day , instead pour hijacK / d liquor – trucK vodKa over a dash of orange juice in the morning until courage n suave arrived to be snort / d , shot n smoked , twist / d attitude liKe manly mustachio of macho – bravado , heart pumps fearlessly towards pursuit of success : in their eyes n towards their opinion of what happiness is n what it should be , because his ideas were wrong n he ran blindly along dizzying cliffs towards suicidal dead – ends , slipping into an abyss smelling of warm cat piss , w / strung – out memories gash / d together by rust / d n dull thorns of instill / d sentiment painfully snagging excess of flapping n obese flesh left him hanging inches from bottom , again , alone , foot poKes thru ratty old converse sneakers , so fucKing worn out , big toe exposed ; podophobia .
normalcy isn ‘ t a curse , but it is a gift , simply because life is a blessing .
said his impending legacy in a ironically recognized n comforting voice of lost generation x sarcasm grunge King ; philosophy of 90 ’ s dialectic of boredom , cliché .
children from the suburban cemeteries don’t escape .
bicycles in ditch that ’ s overgrown w / thorny blackberry bushes , weeds suffocate sKeletons in dried mucK .
drunKenly encouraged by trust / d fellows of sin into acts forever punishable by banishment from his childhood cul – de – sac comforts , instead decided to opt – out , isolate n repent behind old wobbly , spray – paint / d blacK chipboard desK in the corner of his messy room , w / coffee , cigarettes n a Keyboard, curtains drawn limiting sun ‘ s healthy vibrational rays , hiding him from his temptations outside , soon to be forgotten behind closed doors , always locK / d , self – imposed curfew , suffocate demons in restraints , optimistically call it introspection n hope it worKs .
sat anxiously scribbling reflections for an insignificant moment of eternity , penning grand opera , suicidal symphony , gonzo – biography , vulnerability heals w / exposure , perfectionism delay / d final transcendence , hide notebooK w / forearm , no , reflection deepens , endless days spent distressingly stretching open wide the void to escape stale air of toxins n vices , hurt tricKled free n dissipated in hairs of nostrils , singed , trigger / d monarch mind control slave concentration towards creativity , head titled in thought , therefore dizzying the self – destructive motivations n outsmarting the pop – culture obsessions with a juvenile live fast n die young motto to instead live another day ; just one .
prays that each day things will get better , but “ wishful thinKing is for new age hippies ” quip / d the pill – pushing nurse in tommy hilfiger scrubs n reeboK pumps as he watch / d his susceptible patient r . o . f . l . hysterically until he closed his game of snaKe on siemens s 25 & text / d “ code white ” to security down hall ; sedated , happiness , finally .
as sedation waveringly wore thin a single ray of sunlight peaK’d thru sad clouds as an angel appear’d, hover’d down to earth, gracefully slow, smooth, in red stilettos, to sedative sounds of triumphant chimes from majestic bells ringing from the heavens & then from the fluffy white clouds came the sound of harps strum’d by pudgy cherubs w/bloody fingertips, dripping down, warm, red, rainy drops splash’d off his bare chest & were absorbed by threads of his vulnerably draped King’s gown, maudlin
“ hold my hand n follow the illumination , ” the angel whisper / d as her words linger / d lusciously on the curl / d corners of her lips , softly tempting clutching erotica w / glitter / d n twinKling lipsticK , a foreign n luminous pure that he / d never experienced , that scared his destructive routine ; divine intervention or manifested hopefulness?
he follow / d by her side liKe an obedient puppy dog to an altar adorn / d w / indulgences of the worKing poor , smelling of franKincense , myrrh n old spice aftershave , when his anus squinch / d instantly at his noticing of a thousand pages of his uncensored suicidal prose , haphazardly piled by someone other than himself , next to a furious n violently blazing fire as wide as the mouth of moloch that maliciously offer / d eternal forgiveness , third – party coverage , through a sacrificial dance in the melting flame pit , air thicK with ash , dust bury / d bones , exit absolute destruction ; spiritual death in sacrifice .
she whispered to him , “ it is time you let go & forgive yourself because we forgive you n you are loved n worth it . ”
hesitant w / his trust ; these pages were stain / d w / blood n were the words that saved his life .
he trust / d her .
he burned the first of many pages of his weight / d past while reciting a quote he / d memorized , unintentionally , from sunday school …
a burnt offering isn ‘ t a supplication of mercy for a particular sin , but it is a plea for absolute forgiveness from the sufferer ‘ s innate sinfulness .